Left Behind

Eight weeks ago, a dear friend texted me early in the morning. "Hey. Sorry to make your morning start with this but I wanted to let you know that my mom died last night. I'm on my way to the hospital. Take care! Love - T." Quite a way to start a Friday morning, indeed. We met on the following Sunday and had a long talk.

Since then I learned a lot about the ways or society deals with death and, more important, how the ones who lost someone are treated. And what I learned was quite irritating, it made me very sad.

Over the last decades death has become a taboo subject. Within the modern lives we lead and the related lifestyle we have adopted, there is no room left for death any more. Those who lost someone better get over it quickly as they are expected to function properly, just take back their place within the corporate machine and do their job. Those who are left behind better do their mourning in their spare time, at home, without bothering anyone else.

In addition to the loss, people find themselves in a world of broken promises, abandoned by many, too many so-called friends. Those who are supposed to take care of their inferiors fail completely on doing their job by completely ignoring the individual's need to grieve. All they care about are their own aims they may fail to reach if someone simply isn't able to perform at 100% for a couple of weeks.

This complete lack of respect towards those you lost a beloved one, the lack of understanding of and for their situation, and the lack of care and support for those people makes me very sad and angry. Why do we, as a society fail so miserably in taking care of the mourners? Why has it become so beyond the pale not to be on top of everything each and every day?

It is a well-recognised fact that those who lost someone go through several stages of grief. Whether you think that it takes three stages, as defined by Dr. Roberta Temes, or that five stages are needed, like Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross has put it in her book, or even more, it doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that it takes time to return to a kind of normal life. And as we are individuals the amount of time each one of us needs to make it through those stages of grief will differ. On top of that, sympathy and support is needed.

We are never really prepared to lose someone. Maybe things were different back then when death was omnipresent and people were simply used to face it every day. But when we take a closer look a lot more has changed. The smallest known social communities, our families have changed a lot, too. A family can support us, offer us the possibility to retreat, give us some sort of shelter. Further more, a family can offer the environment to let us be the way we are, the feel the way we feel, offering some sort of safety and security, no matter what.

With families breaking up and falling apart, we find ourselves left to our own devices most of the time. With our work becoming a more important part of our lives, it is becoming a challenge to stay safe and sound, physically as well as mentally. At work, only few are accepted they way they are. For the majority the opposite is true, forcing them to create and maintain a masquerade, which consumes a lot of time and a lot of energy.

During a time when most of our energy is already consumed be the grieving we do, too many people want us to focus on their needs, help them to achieve their goals, support them and be there for them. It sounds terribly wrong - welcome to the real world. A world that is becoming a place for the self-involved and greedy, more and more, day by day.

I just had a break and am back from the phone. I called my friend T. and we have been talking for about an hour. We didn't solve any problems but we talked. And while we were talking I could hear in her voice that she started feeling a bit better, a bit lighter. She simply needed some honest, well-deserved attention and reassurance. I am glad I could help her, just a little bit. She lost her mother eight weeks ago and it is obvious that she will need some more time to deal with it. I will be there for her, no matter how long it takes her to come to terms with her loss, and she knows that.

Maybe you know someone who might need your help, your support. It may be because of the death of a beloved relative, it may be because they came out of a relationship. Anyway, it is a loss. They may need you. Be there for them, be different. Show some respect and accept them the way they are.

They are the ones who find themselves left behind.